I Don't Know What Qualified Me to Give Gyaan on Emotional Intelligence, But Here I Am . . .

A blog post on emotional intelligence? It felt like a great idea from the Instagram polls I held and soundly supremely patronizing from my end, until I finally sat down to write it all. I then realized that the tempting but elaborate attempt on how to improve one's emotional intelligence/quotient (EI/EQ) would also include the arduous task of self retrospection.

So here I am, giving you all my honest take (let's also credit the 300 odd hours I spent trying to perfect the ideal intro to this) on what are the signs of an emotionally sound person and how you, as an individual, can best utilize your emotions for a successful career trajectory and personal growth.

In simple words, a person who is socially intelligent is caring, empathetic, self-aware, optimistic, self-motivated individual with a deeply analytical mind. Sounds impossible? Of course it is! The purpose of this blog isn't to promote ideas of unlikely perfection. Nobody is perfect, and every individual has their own flaws. However, there are a few prominent traits/habits that set apart emotionally intelligent people and kind of overshadow their shortcomings, so you don't see it. Read on to know how you can emulate these qualities:

1. Develop self-awareness

For you to have better cognitive abilities, you must first do a self assessment of you biggest strengths and weaknesses. It is an act of honest acceptance of yourself. By doing this, you can then decide how best to embrace your strengths and work on overcoming your shortcomings. When you are self-aware, it allows you to understand people and situations and react accordingly. Only when you begin to complete accept yourself the way you are is when you embrace the concept of self-love. A higher sense of self-awareness solicits more confidence in yourself and ensures that you don't let any one else's opinion derail your self-esteem.

2. Steer clear of negative self-talk

There is a very fine line between acceptance of one's own shortcomings and then diving into a deep cesspool of self-hate and negativity. Do not allow self-assessment to swing over to that side of the line and propagate negative feelings about yourself. Make peace with the fact that you aren't perfect and you know your flaws and are willing to work on that. For instance, an emotionally intelligent person will accept to themselves that they perhaps are too lazy and will then proceed to have an action plan on how to stop themselves from procrastinating or delaying their work. It is as simple as that.

3. Be fluid to change

A great quality that sets apart emotionally intuitive people from the rest is their ability to be dynamic. Irrespective of whether they are extroverts or introverts, they are open to change and not set in their ways. Sometimes, being stubborn or adamant about certain things in life can cause you unnecessary angst and pain. People with higher EQ understand that and embrace change as the only constant. Adopting an open mindset to positive change will increase your patience and also send many opportunities knocking your way.

4. Empathize a lot

Empathy is the magic word here! Many of us tend to confuse the concept of sympathy with empathy here. The very subtle difference is that while sympathy promotes feelings of care and understanding for other people's suffering/condition, empathy encourages you to put yourself in the other person's shoes and think about a situation from their perspective. Emotionally smart people are not only caring and compassionate, but they tend to react or behave with empathy. When in a group, they tend to interact with each member and try to make them feel as if they belong. If you want to be perceived as a geneuinely sensible person, then understand that you must be a good listeners and empathize within conversations, irrespective of whether you are introverts or extroverts. Empathizing with friends, family, colleagues, and acquaintances will encourage them to be honest with you and builds a healthy atmosphere for open communication.

5. Do away with prejudices 

While dealing with people, emotionally intelligent individuals tend to stay away from prejudices. If you want people to perceive you as a person with high EQ, you must learn to emulate the same in conversations. Do not form ready judgements or jump to conclusions without hearing the other person finish his point of view. For example, you might think a person of certain gender or social class might behave a certain way or have some rigid ideas about them--that is a prejudice and it must not reflect in your interactions with that person. This aspect of emotional intelligence is less to do with learning and more with unlearning. It means that you will have to unlearn years of certain prejudiced ideologies and thoughts you might have learnt or been exposed to from the society, family or friends.

 

5. Deal with conflicts sensibly

Let's face it, not everyone might have the same thoughts and ideas as you. There are a zillion ways a fight or argument can be triggered, just because people don't get along or simply do not share the same opinion on situations. The best way to appear more mature is to deal with it calmly and in a composed manner. Every time you encounter conflict with someone, try listening to their side and explain your point in a structured, unoffensive, and non-aggressive manner. It is essential that here you stay away from prejudices and also employ empathy, which can help you deal with it better. Be subtle and neutral while trying to show the opposite person why his side appears wrong to you and avoid making personal, mean comments. Also, refrain from making drastic decisions in a fit of anger or even extreme happiness. All of this will save you from a whole load of embarrassment later, trust me!

 

6. Say goodbye to toxic people

Toxic people can sometimes be extremely difficult to identify. In certain cases, a few family members or even friends can exhibit toxic behavior, which in turn can affect you emotionally. For your own sanity, you might sometimes have to let go of such obnoxious people and steer clear of them. If that person is unavoidable or is a family member, emotionally intelligent people tend to stay neutral and avoid any sort of conflict with them. They are polite, cordial and yet stay away from any additional socializing with them. Say goodbye to such people mentally and then watch your mental health thank you each day after. Enough said!

 

7. Improve your emotional vocabulary

To better deal with your emotions, it is important that you also expand your emotional vocabulary. Learn to differentiate between various emotions and their layers. Understand the varying meanings and synonyms of anger, happiness, sadness, and others. You'll realize that anger, annoyance, exasperation, irritation, and resentment fall under one negative category, but individually each one means a subtly different thing than the others. By expanding your emotional vocabulary, you'll soon learn to emote better and at any given time, you'll be able to precisely express how you feel. This will remove confusion among varying emotions and you'll learn to communicate effectively without any ambiguity. 

Apart from all the gyaan I gave you all above, let me just say that there are a lot of other traits and habits of emotionally intelligent people. While I realized there is so much for me to learn, it was also an eye-opener on how other people perceive EQ of the individuals they admire and respect. 

Nobody was born emotionally perceptive at once. It sometimes takes people years of learning, exposure to different cultures/people/situations, personal setbacks, or even age to up their EQ. So, if you think you can do a lot better, in terms of emotional intelligence, don't worry! We all have been there and done that, and only time and tide will sail our boats to that side of the shore.

To Everyone Out There—Woman It Up!

This blog post has long been on my mind, but to post it out of the blue on any other day seemed plausible in context. But, as I write this today on International Women's Day, I wonder does it actually always have to be contextual for women to be applauded? 

Why can't we, for instance, commend women for being who they are, and who they want to be. By accepting their ideas, choices, and decisions without letting them conform to societal norms of what is 'approved' for this gender and what isn't.

As women, it is not uncommon for us to judge other women for making choices differently from what we would've done. And this has proliferated more hate and intolerance in the past, than love. Like why should it be anyone's business about what drives another woman to take certain decisions? It is inhuman and absolutely insensitive when we begin to think we are entitled to judge other ladies because we know 'better'. Whether women want to work/not work, wear makeup/no makeup, marry/not marry, have kids/not want to have kids, or even multitask/do a single chore at a time, it is imperative that we respect their decisions and just let them be. 

It is imperative that we digest the idea of feminism not being men-hating. Instead, it talks about propagating girl-love among women and creating a community of humans who stand in solidarity, regardless of gender and stereotypes. 

For decades, we've all been hollering about the 'bro code' of undying respect and camaraderie between men. It is now time for women to jump in on the 'girl tribe' bandwagon and emulate the same ethics of building, supporting, and holding other women's backs. It is true that women blossom under a man's appreciation, but women literally thrive  when other women cheer them on and rally for them. 

To all women, please do not indulge in men-hating or women-hating, or any hating for that matter. Accept it when a friend/colleague/family member/acquaintance chooses to do something of her own accord and support it when she needs that encouragement and validation. If we do not support our own kind and empower them through acceptance and respect, how can we then set the precedent for other men to follow through?

To everyone out there, who believe women have to always be resilient, sacrificing, compliant, and strong—throw that prejudice into the bin. Not only does it create labels for women to adhere to, but it also propagates an unhealthy culture of setting impossibly high benchmarks for women who aren't as empowered as other privileged women. Embrace the fact that maybe some ladies do not have it as easily as you do and that every human has a different threshold for pain and sacrifice. To be a woman is to be human. So, if ever anyone needs to stop being prejudiced or censorious of anyone's decisions, or simply needs a reality check, just tell then to WOMAN IT UP!

 

The Aftermath of Sudden Grief

Life is unpredictable

It is painful. It is numbing. It is also unreal. We all (my family) had expected January to go off on a roaring start and it indeed did. We were really looking forward to my wedding extravaganza and it was expected to be an event to remember. It did. But, not a week had passed and we were taken aback with the sudden, abrupt demise of my aunt and her daughter in a horrible car accident. It's cruel, audacious even, how life chose to unsettle us all in this really unforgettable way.

Life is ironic

One Friday evening. Happiness. Elation. Tremulous excitement. A wedding ceremony at the local mosque.

Next Friday evening. Shock. Grief. Overwhelming Pain. Two funeral prayers at another neighborhood mosque.

It is so ironic that as an extended family, the most trying and testing time for all of us came after our happiest memories. We barely got to see their faces at the funeral. The accident has disfigured their faces and we weren't ready to see them. I guess this is for the better. We've always seen our aunt and our cousin in the liveliest and funniest of moods. To see those faces in the face of death would have undoubtedly haunted us all. It's only plausible that we now keep their best, truest versions in our hearts for life.  

The Grief

The car accident that took away my aunt and her daughter was as twisted as fate itself. The tragedy took away two lives and rendered everyone helpless in the face of destiny. As first news kept arriving and phones kept ringing, it felt surreal to imagine those faces and the voracious laughter we've shared at each meeting. Those excited faces at the wedding, ever so willing for the cameramen, ever so warm and loving with greetings for everyone--everything came alive, vivid in our minds. Death must have been so abrupt, so sudden, taking them away before they knew what hit them. The grief comes in waves, like a torrid ocean on a stormy morning. One moment, 's not there; it seems like a bad, bad dream. Another moment, it's torrential; the grief swallowing you in copious amounts, trying to suffocate you. 

The Coping Mechanism

Shaziani (as we all cousins lovingly addressed her) and Umaina (the beautiful 16-year old cousin we all were in awe of) are most certainly in a better place now. My uncle and the other two daughters are coping in their own way. Some of us have chosen to not talk about the tragedy in graphic detail. And then, there are some of us who are finding peace by talking about the episode in great detail. Almost as if verbal admittance of the tragedy is the only way to come out of denial. The tragedy has us all shook, as a family, extended family, friends and acquaintances. I've realized over the course of the past few weeks that grief has its own language. We all speak to, feed, and placate our griefs in our own separate ways. And there should be no judgement for how we deal with it. Our coping mechanisms are private, and completely our own.

The Aftermath

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is for real, and it is unnerving. We are getting on with our lives, but there's no easy way to cope up with this grief. Almost all of us exhibit symptoms of depression and it is extremely difficult to deal with an entire family that is grieving and crying at odd times of the day. I felt the unfettered urge to pen down my thoughts about the whole episode. I'm sparing everyone all the gory details of accident and also choosing to honor their memory. The aftermath of the entire tragedy is perhaps only going to last a few more months. But the indelible memories and last fleeting glimpses of their smiling and joyous faces/voices will last forever. 

Four of my Biggest Learnings from 2018

You know those memes "It's the end of 2018, and I'm still fat, ugly, broke and single AF". Well, we've all been there and done that. But, this year, I beg to differ. This was a great one, for the very fact that it made me a 'woke' millennial and a more self-aware person than the last few adulting years have ever done. 

If you care enough to know how, read on:

1. #MeToo movement created solidarity

 Although this has no personal connotation with me, I would be committing a grave sin if I didn't acknowledge the biggest revolution stirred up this year. Not only did it highlight the rampant sexism, sexual harassment, and gender inequality in every industry, but also emphasized how social media stars/influencers, actors, writers, directors, and other people in influential positions were often the predators and wrongdoers in an already sexist industry. 

The biggest backlash was perhaps borne by the entertainment industry as several women came out with their stories, making it clear to us that we have wittingly and sometimes unwittingly internalized an entire boy culture by objectifying women for decades. It was a revelation for me as well, when I realized, how as spectators, movie-watchers, and consumers, we propagate such a culture. We fuel this type of gender inequality and sexism by endorsing such songs, movie, and celebrities who objectify women and altogether make the industry an unsafe place for women.

2018 made me more skeptical of the entertainment industry and I've taken a personal vow to refrain from consuming such toxic content which banks on stereotypes and is downright offensive to each gender. This means being more aware of gender-neutral narratives; not watching movies that threaten to marginalize a particular sect/gender/caste; and definitely not encourage in unhealthy hero worship of celebrities whose real persona is so questionable. 2019 will find a better entertainment consumer in me, of that am sure. 

2. Words for better works

As a writer, I've probably spoken more about writing than actually writing a lot. That, fortunately, began to change this year. I've forever been the sort of person to mull over a lot before and after I write, which means I end up trashing everything I write, thinking it isn't perfect enough for reading. So, this kind of deranged obsession for perfection never really let me write a lot of content in the past few years. It became to physically and emotionally challenging, eventually taking a toll on my mental health.

However, in 2018, I wrote. I bloody well wrote a lot. I might not really have put up my writings on a blog or public platform, but I did journal a lot. I've carried my diaries with me like the plague and I end up jotting down my most mundane thoughts. And wow! it has been liberating and how. I only then realized that the only thing that will better my writing is more unabashed writing.

While I journal my way into 2019, I am hoping to publish more stuff on the blog, and even if I end up not doing so, it's also alright. I'm going to be more kind to myself about it.  

3. Work sabbaticals are great

I'd have earlier beaten myself to pulp for taking a work sabbatical and halting my career. This year, I got engaged and decided to take the better part of the year off to unwind and spend time with family. I was under no obligation to do so, yet I felt I needed and deserved this break. I'd realized that long working hours and crazy deadlines over the past few months had rendered me emotionally tired, which probably is why I wrote less and less for myself.

So, 2018 saw me step back a little from full-time working and I walked myself home into a place of contentment. I took that impromptu vacation with my entire family, caught up with old and new friends, and had the best time ever. I also took up a few freelance assignments because hey! writing FOMO. But it was less stressful and more structured than before. I was also unapologetic about being idle and this boosted my mental space. Nevertheless, I slept a little better on NYE, knowing I'll be all stoked to do great work in 2019.

 4. Fitness is now family

One downside of any job is probably the long sitting hours in from of a screen. This also includes the occasional writer's block and binge eating to make yourself feel better to think better. All this, along with no time to meal prep and self-proclaimed procrastination over the past two years just pushed me towards obesity. By the time the realization hit, I was already neck deep in an unhealthy lifestyle, and my self-esteem had taken the plunge. 

The beginning of 2018 saw me take on fitness a bit more seriously as I began with all sorts of weird fad diets and ketosis cycles. Horrible hormonal imbalances, shitty mood swings and some really bad choices later, I swore my life to strength training and clean eating. I have learnt the hard way that click-bait fads that tell you tips/hacks to lose weight in 10 days/1 month are all bullshit. I learnt not to demonize certain foods as bad or good or fattening and realized that only consistently clean meals and working out will give your body the quality of health you need. 

Now I don't see working out or clean eating as a short-term hack to lose weight. It has become a lifestyle change and taught me to keep at it. I still eat the occasional junk food in small portions and hey! I feel better than ever. 2019's health resolutions are just going to get better and heavier.

 

These were my biggest takeaways from 2018 and I began this post as soon as I thought of it. Of course, after jotting down the preamble to this blog, I had to biggest urge to shelve this topic, because a. It sounded stupid as I kept writing and b. Why the hell would anyone care what my past year looks like? But i reminded myself that this very attitude has stopped me from writing more in the past. So, as a single new year's resolution, I intend to rely less on validation and more on what my gut instinct tells me to go with. I might write shit, I might write something amazing or something meaningful. You never know. But, write I will. For me.