The Aftermath of Sudden Grief

Life is unpredictable

It is painful. It is numbing. It is also unreal. We all (my family) had expected January to go off on a roaring start and it indeed did. We were really looking forward to my wedding extravaganza and it was expected to be an event to remember. It did. But, not a week had passed and we were taken aback with the sudden, abrupt demise of my aunt and her daughter in a horrible car accident. It's cruel, audacious even, how life chose to unsettle us all in this really unforgettable way.

Life is ironic

One Friday evening. Happiness. Elation. Tremulous excitement. A wedding ceremony at the local mosque.

Next Friday evening. Shock. Grief. Overwhelming Pain. Two funeral prayers at another neighborhood mosque.

It is so ironic that as an extended family, the most trying and testing time for all of us came after our happiest memories. We barely got to see their faces at the funeral. The accident has disfigured their faces and we weren't ready to see them. I guess this is for the better. We've always seen our aunt and our cousin in the liveliest and funniest of moods. To see those faces in the face of death would have undoubtedly haunted us all. It's only plausible that we now keep their best, truest versions in our hearts for life.  

The Grief

The car accident that took away my aunt and her daughter was as twisted as fate itself. The tragedy took away two lives and rendered everyone helpless in the face of destiny. As first news kept arriving and phones kept ringing, it felt surreal to imagine those faces and the voracious laughter we've shared at each meeting. Those excited faces at the wedding, ever so willing for the cameramen, ever so warm and loving with greetings for everyone--everything came alive, vivid in our minds. Death must have been so abrupt, so sudden, taking them away before they knew what hit them. The grief comes in waves, like a torrid ocean on a stormy morning. One moment, 's not there; it seems like a bad, bad dream. Another moment, it's torrential; the grief swallowing you in copious amounts, trying to suffocate you. 

The Coping Mechanism

Shaziani (as we all cousins lovingly addressed her) and Umaina (the beautiful 16-year old cousin we all were in awe of) are most certainly in a better place now. My uncle and the other two daughters are coping in their own way. Some of us have chosen to not talk about the tragedy in graphic detail. And then, there are some of us who are finding peace by talking about the episode in great detail. Almost as if verbal admittance of the tragedy is the only way to come out of denial. The tragedy has us all shook, as a family, extended family, friends and acquaintances. I've realized over the course of the past few weeks that grief has its own language. We all speak to, feed, and placate our griefs in our own separate ways. And there should be no judgement for how we deal with it. Our coping mechanisms are private, and completely our own.

The Aftermath

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is for real, and it is unnerving. We are getting on with our lives, but there's no easy way to cope up with this grief. Almost all of us exhibit symptoms of depression and it is extremely difficult to deal with an entire family that is grieving and crying at odd times of the day. I felt the unfettered urge to pen down my thoughts about the whole episode. I'm sparing everyone all the gory details of accident and also choosing to honor their memory. The aftermath of the entire tragedy is perhaps only going to last a few more months. But the indelible memories and last fleeting glimpses of their smiling and joyous faces/voices will last forever. 

Four of my Biggest Learnings from 2018

You know those memes "It's the end of 2018, and I'm still fat, ugly, broke and single AF". Well, we've all been there and done that. But, this year, I beg to differ. This was a great one, for the very fact that it made me a 'woke' millennial and a more self-aware person than the last few adulting years have ever done. 

If you care enough to know how, read on:

1. #MeToo movement created solidarity

 Although this has no personal connotation with me, I would be committing a grave sin if I didn't acknowledge the biggest revolution stirred up this year. Not only did it highlight the rampant sexism, sexual harassment, and gender inequality in every industry, but also emphasized how social media stars/influencers, actors, writers, directors, and other people in influential positions were often the predators and wrongdoers in an already sexist industry. 

The biggest backlash was perhaps borne by the entertainment industry as several women came out with their stories, making it clear to us that we have wittingly and sometimes unwittingly internalized an entire boy culture by objectifying women for decades. It was a revelation for me as well, when I realized, how as spectators, movie-watchers, and consumers, we propagate such a culture. We fuel this type of gender inequality and sexism by endorsing such songs, movie, and celebrities who objectify women and altogether make the industry an unsafe place for women.

2018 made me more skeptical of the entertainment industry and I've taken a personal vow to refrain from consuming such toxic content which banks on stereotypes and is downright offensive to each gender. This means being more aware of gender-neutral narratives; not watching movies that threaten to marginalize a particular sect/gender/caste; and definitely not encourage in unhealthy hero worship of celebrities whose real persona is so questionable. 2019 will find a better entertainment consumer in me, of that am sure. 

2. Words for better works

As a writer, I've probably spoken more about writing than actually writing a lot. That, fortunately, began to change this year. I've forever been the sort of person to mull over a lot before and after I write, which means I end up trashing everything I write, thinking it isn't perfect enough for reading. So, this kind of deranged obsession for perfection never really let me write a lot of content in the past few years. It became to physically and emotionally challenging, eventually taking a toll on my mental health.

However, in 2018, I wrote. I bloody well wrote a lot. I might not really have put up my writings on a blog or public platform, but I did journal a lot. I've carried my diaries with me like the plague and I end up jotting down my most mundane thoughts. And wow! it has been liberating and how. I only then realized that the only thing that will better my writing is more unabashed writing.

While I journal my way into 2019, I am hoping to publish more stuff on the blog, and even if I end up not doing so, it's also alright. I'm going to be more kind to myself about it.  

3. Work sabbaticals are great

I'd have earlier beaten myself to pulp for taking a work sabbatical and halting my career. This year, I got engaged and decided to take the better part of the year off to unwind and spend time with family. I was under no obligation to do so, yet I felt I needed and deserved this break. I'd realized that long working hours and crazy deadlines over the past few months had rendered me emotionally tired, which probably is why I wrote less and less for myself.

So, 2018 saw me step back a little from full-time working and I walked myself home into a place of contentment. I took that impromptu vacation with my entire family, caught up with old and new friends, and had the best time ever. I also took up a few freelance assignments because hey! writing FOMO. But it was less stressful and more structured than before. I was also unapologetic about being idle and this boosted my mental space. Nevertheless, I slept a little better on NYE, knowing I'll be all stoked to do great work in 2019.

 4. Fitness is now family

One downside of any job is probably the long sitting hours in from of a screen. This also includes the occasional writer's block and binge eating to make yourself feel better to think better. All this, along with no time to meal prep and self-proclaimed procrastination over the past two years just pushed me towards obesity. By the time the realization hit, I was already neck deep in an unhealthy lifestyle, and my self-esteem had taken the plunge. 

The beginning of 2018 saw me take on fitness a bit more seriously as I began with all sorts of weird fad diets and ketosis cycles. Horrible hormonal imbalances, shitty mood swings and some really bad choices later, I swore my life to strength training and clean eating. I have learnt the hard way that click-bait fads that tell you tips/hacks to lose weight in 10 days/1 month are all bullshit. I learnt not to demonize certain foods as bad or good or fattening and realized that only consistently clean meals and working out will give your body the quality of health you need. 

Now I don't see working out or clean eating as a short-term hack to lose weight. It has become a lifestyle change and taught me to keep at it. I still eat the occasional junk food in small portions and hey! I feel better than ever. 2019's health resolutions are just going to get better and heavier.

 

These were my biggest takeaways from 2018 and I began this post as soon as I thought of it. Of course, after jotting down the preamble to this blog, I had to biggest urge to shelve this topic, because a. It sounded stupid as I kept writing and b. Why the hell would anyone care what my past year looks like? But i reminded myself that this very attitude has stopped me from writing more in the past. So, as a single new year's resolution, I intend to rely less on validation and more on what my gut instinct tells me to go with. I might write shit, I might write something amazing or something meaningful. You never know. But, write I will. For me.