To Everyone Out There—Woman It Up!

This blog post has long been on my mind, but to post it out of the blue on any other day seemed plausible in context. But, as I write this today on International Women's Day, I wonder does it actually always have to be contextual for women to be applauded? 

Why can't we, for instance, commend women for being who they are, and who they want to be. By accepting their ideas, choices, and decisions without letting them conform to societal norms of what is 'approved' for this gender and what isn't.

As women, it is not uncommon for us to judge other women for making choices differently from what we would've done. And this has proliferated more hate and intolerance in the past, than love. Like why should it be anyone's business about what drives another woman to take certain decisions? It is inhuman and absolutely insensitive when we begin to think we are entitled to judge other ladies because we know 'better'. Whether women want to work/not work, wear makeup/no makeup, marry/not marry, have kids/not want to have kids, or even multitask/do a single chore at a time, it is imperative that we respect their decisions and just let them be. 

It is imperative that we digest the idea of feminism not being men-hating. Instead, it talks about propagating girl-love among women and creating a community of humans who stand in solidarity, regardless of gender and stereotypes. 

For decades, we've all been hollering about the 'bro code' of undying respect and camaraderie between men. It is now time for women to jump in on the 'girl tribe' bandwagon and emulate the same ethics of building, supporting, and holding other women's backs. It is true that women blossom under a man's appreciation, but women literally thrive  when other women cheer them on and rally for them. 

To all women, please do not indulge in men-hating or women-hating, or any hating for that matter. Accept it when a friend/colleague/family member/acquaintance chooses to do something of her own accord and support it when she needs that encouragement and validation. If we do not support our own kind and empower them through acceptance and respect, how can we then set the precedent for other men to follow through?

To everyone out there, who believe women have to always be resilient, sacrificing, compliant, and strong—throw that prejudice into the bin. Not only does it create labels for women to adhere to, but it also propagates an unhealthy culture of setting impossibly high benchmarks for women who aren't as empowered as other privileged women. Embrace the fact that maybe some ladies do not have it as easily as you do and that every human has a different threshold for pain and sacrifice. To be a woman is to be human. So, if ever anyone needs to stop being prejudiced or censorious of anyone's decisions, or simply needs a reality check, just tell then to WOMAN IT UP!

 

The Aftermath of Sudden Grief

Life is unpredictable

It is painful. It is numbing. It is also unreal. We all (my family) had expected January to go off on a roaring start and it indeed did. We were really looking forward to my wedding extravaganza and it was expected to be an event to remember. It did. But, not a week had passed and we were taken aback with the sudden, abrupt demise of my aunt and her daughter in a horrible car accident. It's cruel, audacious even, how life chose to unsettle us all in this really unforgettable way.

Life is ironic

One Friday evening. Happiness. Elation. Tremulous excitement. A wedding ceremony at the local mosque.

Next Friday evening. Shock. Grief. Overwhelming Pain. Two funeral prayers at another neighborhood mosque.

It is so ironic that as an extended family, the most trying and testing time for all of us came after our happiest memories. We barely got to see their faces at the funeral. The accident has disfigured their faces and we weren't ready to see them. I guess this is for the better. We've always seen our aunt and our cousin in the liveliest and funniest of moods. To see those faces in the face of death would have undoubtedly haunted us all. It's only plausible that we now keep their best, truest versions in our hearts for life.  

The Grief

The car accident that took away my aunt and her daughter was as twisted as fate itself. The tragedy took away two lives and rendered everyone helpless in the face of destiny. As first news kept arriving and phones kept ringing, it felt surreal to imagine those faces and the voracious laughter we've shared at each meeting. Those excited faces at the wedding, ever so willing for the cameramen, ever so warm and loving with greetings for everyone--everything came alive, vivid in our minds. Death must have been so abrupt, so sudden, taking them away before they knew what hit them. The grief comes in waves, like a torrid ocean on a stormy morning. One moment, 's not there; it seems like a bad, bad dream. Another moment, it's torrential; the grief swallowing you in copious amounts, trying to suffocate you. 

The Coping Mechanism

Shaziani (as we all cousins lovingly addressed her) and Umaina (the beautiful 16-year old cousin we all were in awe of) are most certainly in a better place now. My uncle and the other two daughters are coping in their own way. Some of us have chosen to not talk about the tragedy in graphic detail. And then, there are some of us who are finding peace by talking about the episode in great detail. Almost as if verbal admittance of the tragedy is the only way to come out of denial. The tragedy has us all shook, as a family, extended family, friends and acquaintances. I've realized over the course of the past few weeks that grief has its own language. We all speak to, feed, and placate our griefs in our own separate ways. And there should be no judgement for how we deal with it. Our coping mechanisms are private, and completely our own.

The Aftermath

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is for real, and it is unnerving. We are getting on with our lives, but there's no easy way to cope up with this grief. Almost all of us exhibit symptoms of depression and it is extremely difficult to deal with an entire family that is grieving and crying at odd times of the day. I felt the unfettered urge to pen down my thoughts about the whole episode. I'm sparing everyone all the gory details of accident and also choosing to honor their memory. The aftermath of the entire tragedy is perhaps only going to last a few more months. But the indelible memories and last fleeting glimpses of their smiling and joyous faces/voices will last forever.